Just a I Talk Telekom Malaysia months ago my son Nathan, age 13, declared he wanted a FaceBook account. All of his close friends had one, and he wanted one, too.
After my stomach knotted a bit and I said a silent prayer, I agreed that he could open a FaceBook account, broadband wireless modem explained to him there would be certain "conditions."
Like any child usb wireless internet days, Nathan often comes to mom and dad with requests for this thing or that thing he absolutely can't live without. And he always comes prepared with convincing arguments...why he desperately needs a cellphone, the latest gaming innovation, or another 15 songs from iTunes.
His cases are strong, but my husband and I are united in our position that Nathan shouldn't Aztec Router everything that he asks for. If he did, what would there be to look forward to, to work towards, to dream about? That's why Nathan doesn't have an XBox, PlayStation or Wii. He doesn't own a PSP and never has had a GameBoy.
All that being said, Nathan has always had a computer. Starting at three years old with a kid's VTech computer purchased from ToysRUs, he's upgraded every few years to the latest, greatest, yet reasonable version...but the creme de la creme was his iMac that he got for Christmas last year. He doesn't really miss out on a whole lot. He still gets to play games (only it's those Streamyx Hotline for a computer), but also with his computer he creates music using his guitar, records and enhances songs with GarageBand, adds original soundtracks to his own iMovies, and uses it to do his homework. Though not to excess, we encourage his computer interest.
So when Nathan came to me with his FaceBook request, I said "yes," albeit with some trepidation. fiber optic internet most parents, I have heard the horror stories and knew the potential danger that the Internet and sites like FaceBook and MySpace could cause for a vulnerable teenager. But I'm also an advocate of informing and educating our children so as they mature they can make the right decisions for themselves. It's just that in-between time from child to young adult that is so perilous these days and causes us parents to go gray, especially with the added risk of the Internet.
So that's why the "conditions." I explained to Nathan it was a lot like driving a car. It would be foolish of me or his father to hand over the keys at 16 or 17 and expect him to operate a car safely without proper training, instruction and guidance. The same is true with the Internet and, in this case, having a FaceBook account. There's things he needs to know to keep himself safe, to protect his privacy and that of his friends', and to understand the "ins and outs" of safe maneuvering through a teen's social network.
So what were these "conditions?"
1. The email that Nathan registered his FaceBook account with was one that I had access to. That meant at any time I could go into his account, take a look and make sure everything on his FaceBook met the "Mom and Dad Everything Looks Okay" test. Also, anything that was written on his wall came to me via email notification.
2. He agreed to "Random FaceBook Reviews" where we would ask him to take us through his account. These were meant to be instructional, basically fun, low-key reviews of what he shared in his profile, pictures (if any) he displayed, what was written by his friends on his Wall, bumper stickers he collected and other things he might have available for view by his friends.
3. He could only "Friend" kids he knew, and absolutely no adults (with the exception of his dad, me, and his Aunt Carol).
4. The computer that he used would be located in a public spot in our house and never in his room or behind a closed door.
We constantly adjust as things change like FaceBook updates and new features, but the operative word here is "we." It's a "family affair." Nathan knows that mom and dad are involved because we're most concerned about his safety and not about trying to catch him doing something wrong. Now, it's not always smooth sailing; we do have conflicts, but the important thing is that we keep the communication lines open.
And you know, I've seen some positive effects with the FaceBook experience, as well. The teenage years are often tough territory to maneuver...especially the early teens. You have some teens maturing quickly, while others not so much. And it's hard...on both the boys and girls. But what I'm picking up through the messages and other FaceBook dialog from Nathan's "friends," both boys and girls, is an ease with which they communicate through this medium...bypassing that awkwardness that we encountered as teens. I asked Nathan about that, if FaceBook made it easier to talk to girls or to other people he might not usually meet in his group of friends. He agreed it was a pressure-free, fun way to talk to someone who he might not ordinarily feel comfortable talking to.
FaceBook also provides an opportunity for all to customize their space, encouraging our kids to be creative and giving "friends" a snapshot into what makes our children so special. Finally, it provides a backdrop on which to have instructional conversations with our kids. For instance, a couple weeks ago I was seeing some emails coming in that were not favorable towards a certain young female. I used it as a learning opportunity, emphasizing empathy and reminding Nathan how he would not want others to talk about him the way his friends were talking about this young girl...a real learning opportunity that without FaceBook we probably would have missed.
As I'm writing this, Nathan comes into my office and asks, "Hey, mom, there's a funny bumper sticker about... (some marginally inappropriate saying). What do you think? Can I put it up on my FaceBook? I think it's hilarious!!
"Alright," I agree as I remind myself that this is a predictable developmental milestone. I'm not too old to remember what I was like at that age. Pick your battles, Susan, just pick your battles.
Susan Smith is mom to a teenage son and loves sharing her parenting tips, advice and experiences with others. You can find a collection of other articles offering parenting help and humor at Wwork.com.
